Keep up...

So often I feel like I share the utter joys of being here. The kids. The singing, the dancing. Loving what I do. On and on.

I think that’s because the joys are so easy to talk about off hand. Additionally, the heartbreak of certain things and situations is easy for me to speak about because that is something that never really leaves me.

What is hard for me to talk about is the hard parts of this journey. The personal difficulties you could call them.

Oh this path with Jesus is grounded and wrapped in joys and blessings; however that is not to overlook the hardness of the trail. Somehow I think this is something that missionaries do not really have an outlet for sharing about.

In utter honesty, the season that I am finding myself in here in Kenya is a difficult one. The initial buzz of getting here and the busyness of the summer months have worn off. Only now does it feel like some kind of rhythm and routine is being established.

In that rhythm and in the very ordinary getting up and going to work each day, I am finding myself experiencing emotional tiredness and even some homesickness as the holidays are approaching. I have been here for over eight months now and it feels as though all of those months of emotions have culminated and decided to crash down.

And so life as of late feels like the crashing down.

Things are happening and I am seeing situations that should tear my heart apart and yet I feel like I have no place in my heart to put those situations because it already feels so full.

I cannot find space in my emotions to grieve over a fire that recently swept through Mathare because I have yet to take the time to grieve over things from March or May or the month before last.

This is my first time in full time ministry and sometimes I forget that I am in ministry at all because it all feels natural. I spent two years in college hearing about life in ministry and even personal care while in ministry and somehow I missed the boat on actually applying that stuff.

But let me declare now that I can see that burnout is very real and very possible. I can conceive of how it’s likely to go and go and give and give until there literally is nothing left in the soul of a person.

And in this season of difficulty, I am realizing that I need to get on the personal care boat and I need to sit down and take the time to figure out what will keep me from burning out and even from getting to the point where I am this emotionally full.

Because I truly cannot imagine feeling numb and dead to the place which once brought my heart to life. I must not allow that to happen.

So my friends, I am sharing that I am wrestling with what it means to take care of myself in this journey. Maybe it means more alone time or maybe a pleasurable hobby. I do not know the what the solution is. But please pray with me that I am guided in my quest.

I think of the words of a song I heard recently. It said, “Oh my soul, faint not. Oh my soul, please keep up. Faint not.”

And that is my prayer these days.

Faint not and keep up. Amen.